I woke up in a panic having a nightmare that you messaged me. I know I’d like to talk to you one more time. You’re starting to feel lightyears away, like you’re someone I had imagined in my head this whole time. It’s only been a few days but I feel like I don’t know you anymore. I wonder what I did to you to make you feel like you can treat me this way. Use em’ and onto the next one. I wish you could have been upfront with me from the start instead of playing with my feelings like a fuckboy. Taylor Swift dropped a new album at a perfect time though.

This past week has been a whirlwind. I’ve tried to fill the void with pointless conversations with meaningless people. I’ve found what it’s like to be treated better but I can’t help but think of you. I can’t help but think you couldn’t even give me the bare minimum. It’s not fair to these strangers. You hurt me so bad yet I can’t help but hope you’re doing well. I’m in disbelief shock that I thought I even knew you as a person.

This is my own closure.

Over the past 24 hours, you’ve really shown me your true colours and I’m embarrassed I ever thought so highly of you. I would have never imagined you’d be someone who would want to breakup over text. I’ve known you for a year and you supposedly care about me so much that you aren’t even willing to speak with me in person and say it to my face without me having to ask multiple times.

I’m upset at myself for tolerating this behaviour for so long and I’m mad at you for not speaking up about it sooner. I didn’t want to get hurt again, so I guess the scraps you gave me were exactly what I needed. 

This is the best for both of us. I can’t tell you how many times in this relationship that I’ve thought I’d be so much happier alone. I can’t wait to feel that way again. I guess at the end of this all, I’m sad to be losing a friend and someone to talk to. You’re a great guy and I enjoyed talking to you and being in your presence but ultimately, it’s the change that hurts the most. I’m upset that this change of having to go about life without having you around will be more of an adjustment to me than for you. I’m upset you’ve closed me off for so long that cutting ties with me is a sigh of relief rather than a longing goodbye.

I’ll miss you and I’m sure some days will be harder than others. I’m sure there will be days where I will wonder how you’re doing and for those days, I hope you’re doing well.

What I would say to you right now if I could.

From the moment we met, I knew we were two very different people. Our differences intrigued me and I wanted to keep learning about you. You posses so many admirable qualities and have shown me a new perspective in life. The fear of losing you and the fear of going through another heartbreak scared me. I didn’t want to truly open up to you and allow myself to develop feelings because I was afraid of this exact moment we are going through right now.

There’s a part of me who wants to ask you if we can take a break and restart. To slowly start texting and slowly start going out on dates, like the beginning of relationships. I know I haven’t allowed you to really get close to me and I haven’t been the best to you either. I’ve never been one to believe in taking a break but I truly believe things would be better if we tried again. 

I want to make it clear that I am not begging you to stay. I’m embarrassed I can’t even hold the door for someone who wants to walk out of my life. I guess we’re so young and there’s so many more life experiences and people to meet that we shouldn’t be too hung up on this. I’m just not ready.

I want you to get the space you need. I want you to be happy. But I just don’t want to let you go.

I’ve been through much worse things in life but it doesn’t make this hurt any less

make it stop make it stop make it stop

2020 is really an awful year and I should have kept the rose coloured glasses on for a little bit long

I really can’t be using all these tissues during a pandemic

I knew there was a reason why I never liked math.

I took two melatonin pills and I still can’t fall asleep. I want nothing more than to be asleep and away from my thoughts right now. Although, I’m dreading on falling asleep because I know I’ll wake up feeling like shit when the reality has sunk in.

I’m not sure how to feel. Despite all the pain and hurt, I’m not ready to let you go. I’ve always asked myself “does the good outweigh the bad?” and I’m not sure what the answer is anymore. I want to respect and give the space you asked for but I don’t want to go cold turkey. I don’t even like turkey for Thanksgiving.

To go our separate ways - like two lines that intercept and cross paths just to never meet again.

It’s funny because after this ‘breakup’, I finally feel like I’m able to open up to you and talk to you in a way without pretending that we live in a world with rose coloured glasses. You have always been someone who intrigued because it seemed like we came from two separate worlds; for that reason, it was hard to develop those deep connections I so craved. I didn’t want to speak up and risk losing you as a whole so I took what scraps I could get. It took this breakup for me to finally be myself around you and speak freely.

I think for that reason, it’s hard to let you go. I want to respect the alone time you want but I still want to see the elevator and go to the lake with you and do a face mask. I blame myself for watching Friends with Benefits one too many times, but there’s a big part of me who’s willing to disregard the emotions if that means I don’t have to physically lose you. I’m not referring to sex (although it is welcome) but I mean the act of physically being with you and seeing you in person. I guess that is a statement with lots of emotion attached to it but I’m not ready to lose you completely. 

I want to respect the idea that you need space but I can’t help but ask if we can finish the list of plans we had - just as friends. I’m not ready to say goodbye but I guess nobody is ever ready. I can’t help but think maybe we can make things work. I’m just not ready to have you walk out of my life completely.

Although I don’t feel very well right now, I hope you’re doing genuinely well :)

I guess I should have brought this up a while ago. Quarantine has really left me alone with no distractions to my thoughts and feelings. Stoping and restarting birth control has definitely made me more sensitive and emotional as well. The funny thing is that all my emotions right now are probably more subdued compared to when I first started it in October. You’re lucky you didn’t have to witness it since I didn’t see you from October to December.

Um I guess there has been some things going on with my family that has been weighing on me. I didn’t tell you about it earlier because it’s hard to share such a heavy emotion. We’ve never talked about our relationship, so it didn’t feel right to share this with someone who has never signed up to be my boyfriend or at least to someone who doesn’t act like one.

I guess what makes things harder is that we’ve known each other for a year and  it doesn’t even seem like we are friends at times. I understand that you’re busy, need time to yourself, or may just be away from your phone and reception but you’ve shown me that I shouldn’t expect to have a conversation with you unless you’re physically in front of me. It’s just disappointing, and quite frankly, it’s sad that if I’m ever having a bad day, I really can’t depend on you to be around and talk about it. I really like you and talking to you makes me really happy but I can’t message you “hey, how’s your day going?” without feeling like I’m gambling. Will you respond in a few minutes, a few hours, at the end of the night? Will you even respond to my message? We’ve been in each other’s lives for over a year and I would never imagine calling or FaceTiming you. 

When did saying “good morning” become a risky text? You’ve shown me that saying good morning is a wasted effort. 

It’s fine if you’re not that interested in me.

It’s fine if you’re seeing other people.

It’s fine if you want to only be Friends with Benefits. 

Saying “I’ll try harder” and “I miss you, I hope to see you soon” is really nice to hear but it doesn’t mean much if you don’t act on it and make an effort. I really like you and I like spending time with you but I’m tired of feeling like I’m being strung along. If you really care to have me in your life, I don’t think it should be this difficult to find the time for me and to communicate. Maybe it’s not that deep and maybe I’m being dramatic but it’s hard not seeing often and not really talking in between each time we hang out.

I’m writing this down because I’m tired of having the same thoughts over and over again. I hope we can make things work and grow but I understand if that’s not the case. I think it’s time we get back on the same page.